Survival and Love and Loneliness


I love most days. I get to spend the entire day hanging out with two little people, two little boys, who I love a lot. They are amazing. Every little thing they learn and do is incredible to me. I get to see it all and I am so grateful.

Most days are hard. These two little boys can be challenging little creatures. Surprisingly, they don’t always do what I want them to do!

I like to nap, especially when I have been up a couple times during the night. My dear husband lets me sleep in every morning while he gets up with the older one and feeds him breakfast and takes him and the dog for a walk. But every time I think I can have a nap the little one wakes up! And then he will fall asleep for a super long nap when the older one wakes up from his nap. Which is nice for me to spend time with Brody but is heartbreaking to have missed out on a nap! And anyone who knows how much I love a nap knows how heartbreaking that is!  The baby has been eating every 1-2 hours for the past 2 days, which is exhausting and means that I have to eat just as often to keep up with the demand! Often he will only sleep when I am bouncing him and he knows the exact second I try to sit down for a break. How does he do that?

Our little person, the older boy, is starting to say words. It is amazing! He is actually responding to the things that I say! He can finally understand! But he can’t quite answer yet. And there are times I just wish for a conversation with a person who can answer back. So when my husband comes home from work, I tend to say everything I have wanted to say all day! It is an earful for him! There are still many elements of miscommunication with the older baby. He indicated he wanted to go for a walk by pointing to his stroller but then when we were out for a walk he did not seem like he was enjoying himself as he whined and cried most of the time. Actually, there are times when he does that for a long period of time and it can feel very long! But then he goes to bed for a nap and usually walks up as usually self…happy, smiling and laughing. His toys cover the floors in every room…and not only toys but every other thing that can be pulled onto the floor. I wrestle him away from opening and emptying every drawer in the kitchen. He’s getting strong but he is also learning what ‘no’ or ‘nem’ (no in Hungarian) is and will clearly say it repeatedly! I think he does know what it means! He has started standing up and running around on the couch. He is actually climbing on everything. Part of me is so excited that he is learning this skill and taking these risks, but the other part of me has a little heart attack every time he does something where he could fall and hurt himself.

Eating is important to me. I don’t do well when I am hungry and since I am breastfeeding, I am hungry ALL THE TIME.  I am trying to avoid cow’s milk protein because the baby seems to have difficulty processing it. Who knew cow’s milk protein was in EVERYTHING?!! It can be hard to find foods that I can eat quickly and one-handed. I eat a lot of peanut butter, cereal, and bananas which is good since those are my favorite foods!

So many people advise to “sleep when the baby sleeps” and “enjoy every minute because it goes by so quickly” and “don’t worry about the cleaning” but sometimes the baby doesn’t sleep and one day seems like an eternity and we need clean dishes and clean clothes. And it gets lonely. Trying to have an adult conversation is nearly impossible with the little ones around…they cry loud and need LOTS of attention. Sometimes  I think I am forgetting how to have conversations with adults because I feel like I can’t form the proper words and sentences. That might also be because my brain is full of information about caring for children and all the other brain cells are gone but hopefully will return one day!

So despite the joy and gratefulness and love for these two little boys, I am in survival mode. Survival means leaving all the toys where they land and maybe picking them up later but usually I just don’t have the energy. Survival means giving him bread and peanut butter to eat for lunch most days because it is easy and I know he will eat it and not give it to the dog. Survival means the baby wears his pajamas all day and using a wet wipe when he only spits up a little bit.

And despite the times when things are hard, there are always the beautiful moments that make it all easy again. The little one will smile and laugh when I talk to him. The older one learned how to give kisses and wants to give his baby brother many, many kisses. He loves his little brother so much. And the little one loves watching his older brother. And I love them both.

Baby Jude John Gibson

Jude John Gibson arrived on February 26, 2017. He is a beautiful, dark-haired little boy. He is adored by his older brother. He sleeps and eats a lot. It has already been two months since he was born and he smiling and becoming stronger and more amazing every day!

Life has taken a whole new level of crazy and busy. I am at home taking care of two babies currently both under the age of 18 months. There are times when both of them are crying and I don’t even know what to do. And there are times when both of them are happy and smiling and I feel like I am doing it all right. And the best times, when both of them are sleeping┬áso that I can take a nap too!

The days are pretty tough. On a typical day, I have been spit up and spilled on three times before I have eaten breakfast. I can’t take a shower without the older one trying to get in with me, even though he is fully clothed. Most days, I have anywhere from 2 minutes to 1 hour of time that I am not holding, feeding, or playing with one of the boys. And I do not sleep more than 4 hours in a row.

But these boys are pretty awesome. Brody is almost 1 and a half and he is learning so much! He loves to point to the sky when he hears an airplane. He likes seeing big trucks and tractors on the road. He will play with a ball, squealing and trying to throw it for long periods of time (which is like 10 minutes for him). He is sensitive and doesn’t like seeing his baby brother crying. He will cuddle both his baby brother and our puppy every chance he gets because he loves them so much.

Jude is just starting to smile at us. He can get pretty fired up when he wants something that he doesn’t get right away. He is also so peaceful and content when he has everything he needs. He likes to be outside in the stroller while we go for walks. He also likes to take baths. He is a pretty consistent baby and tends to eat and sleep at similar times most days. And he loves to cuddle with me while he naps.

Although it is not easy, I wouldn’t trade being with these two for anything else right now!

What just happened?

I am forcing myself to sit down and write this blog. It is hard to stop to do this when there are toys all over and the dishes aren’t done and I have to figure out what to make for dinner and I have to prepare for Brody’s birthday party tomorrow. It has been a long time since I wrote one, although I have written many posts in my head as I go about my day. The ideas are there and someday I may get them out!

What just happened to the past year? Brody is one and I can’t believe it. The cliches are true…”where does the time go?”

Brody is truly a joy and blessing in our lives.

He is active. He plays and learns and studies and plays some more. He loves to touch the handles on drawers and cupboards. He opens drawers and likes discovering what is inside. He likes to ‘help’ load and unload the dishwasher, which involves taking the cutlery and throwing it on the floor. He can spend periods of time playing in his playroom. He stands up at the shelves and looks at toys. He likes to remove the toys from wherever they are. He pulls himself up on anything he can, coffee table, chairs, my legs, anything.

He loves books. He particularly loves to look at a Winnie the Pooh folding book. It doesn’t really have a story but it has lots of colourful pictures. I can occasionally find him laughing at this book. He also loves books that aren’t stories but just pictures and words. He can listen to us reading these a lot!

He sleeps! He has two naps per day and then sleeps about 12 hours at night. After our harrowing sleeping training/crying it out during the summer, he does so well going to sleep and generally staying asleep, especially at night. Although it was horrible at the time, the sleeping training worked for us. I am so glad we get to sleep all night and that Brody gets the sleep he needs.

Brody loves to eat. He particularly likes lasagna and spaghetti. He eats tomatoes, avocado, most fruit, and meat. He loves cheese! He has recently started spitting out the foods he doesn’t like or doesn’t want to eat at that moment. It is quite funny and adorable when he does this, although I probably shouldn’t be laughing at him.

He plays with the dog, Hamish. He loves Hamish. He takes Hamish’s toys and Hamish takes them back. They get each other because Hamish is always careful when he plays with Brody. And Brody needs to work on being gently with Hamish but Hamish does so well at taking Brody’s ‘aggressive’ petting and love for him.

Up until now, Brody has been our little baby. But now that he is one, is he still a baby? Seems hard to imagine that he won’t always be so little and need us so much. Already he can do so much and he does more and more every day. He even started kind of using a fork to eat his food! Amazing!

And now with another baby on the way, due to arrive in March, Brody will grow up even more quickly. Having a tiny little one around will make him seem so much bigger! It continues to be truly amazing to see him grow up into the beautiful, happy little boy that he is.

Happy first Birthday, Brody! We love you!