Sad and Glad

My Mom’s birthday is on May 5. She was born in 1944 so this year would have been her 73rd birthday. She just missed her 71st birthday when she passed away in February, two years ago.

It has been hard to talk about this massive loss in my life. I don’t know what to say. Our relationship and lives together were complicated. We were very different in some ways and very much the same in other ways. I am beginning to see ways of honouring both aspects of my memories of my mom. The ways we did connect and how we clashed at times. It is all part of her and us and how we related and that is ok.

I feel shock and sadness still even two years later. I don’t think that will ever go away entirely.  I am sad that my mom never got to meet our two little boys. I am sad that they will never meet their Oma here on earth. I have fear as well. Fear that something like could happen again to someone else that I love. Fear that I might lose someone else.

I am also grateful. I believe my mom is in a better place. She is with Jesus in heaven and she is happy. She has no pain or difficulty. I am happy for her and the comfort I have in knowing this. I am glad for all the time I had with her. I am thankful for all the people she knew and the lives she impacted here on earth (which was many)!

Although it has not been easy figuring out loss like this, I am slowly understanding and resolving it for myself. My comfort and focus is on God and knowing that He is with me. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be other losses or difficulties in my life but at least He is on my side. I can’t fully understand why it happened and I guess I probably never will but I am slowly becoming ok with that.

*“Have I not commanded? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9*

What makes me smile about my mom?
– Since we had a big family and we were living somewhat spread out, when we did get together, Mom would try to combine as many celebrations as she could: birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, etc. There would only be one cake but it would acknowledge everyone and everything within a 3 month time span, often leaving only enough room for initials in the icing. I don’t even know what we were celebrating in the photo below but she managed to acknowledge all of it on the cake!

– We could always count on having some random and interesting person or people in the house. Mom would say “oh have you met… who we knew 100 years ago in some random place that we lived or visited? You remember him/her/them, don’t you?” I rarely did remember this person but she always tried!
– One of my favourite memories of my mom was several years ago when I was visiting home in February. We are an active family and all of us love to play sports. Mom didn’t usually participate because she wasn’t the most athletic and usually was more interested in cheering us on. But this time we were all outside playing road hockey and she was there too, playing goalie for one of the teams, screeching and shouting and saving some goals!

Happy Birthday, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

4 thoughts on “Sad and Glad

  1. Happy birthday Anna! Hugs to all of you…Your mom was so filled with joy and laughter, a true love for anyone and everyone she met…She had a smile and a laugh that lit of every room. I got involved in Griefshare and encourage all of you to go online and join, find a group, receive the daily emails to help you on your grief journey, go to God is near and comforts the grieving…We will meet again even though it’s sad and not fair on this side of heaven. We greive deeply because we loved deeply.


  2. I laughed and cried as I read your words Shanti. I was so blessed to have been called Anna’s friend. There were many areas where our personalities and opinions might have differed at times, just as yours did, but God’s love always permeated our relationship as I know it did yours. Anna always gave and gave and then gave some more with a huge smile. This was not of her own strength but of God. She taught me so much about trusting in God’s provision. I showed her how to declutter. Your mom was such a strong woman of God and how blessed you were to have this rich heritage. She is smiling down on your little family as she rejoices at your choice to trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Thank you for sharing your heart and know that you and your family is in my prayers.


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